Pittsburgh sports fans keep Santa busy
Jim Downey
A disclaimer – this exquisite prose was written a couple days before Christmas, so as you are reading this column Saturday morning, I am obviously unaware of the outcome of the Bengals-Steelers holiday clash.
Though, I have a great headline should the backup to the backup quarterback lead the offense to victory. Ready?
“Rudolph saves Christmas, guides Steelers to victory”
Catchy, isn’t it? Robbing a children’s Christmas stop-motion classic for a cheesy headline!
But, I digress.
My mind wanders when I do my daily walk, or, with the temperatures rising, bike ride, around town. I think I might’ve come up with a million-dollar idea.
Here it is – Santa Claus for adults! Yes, “mature” children lining up to talk with the merry old elf himself!
I haven’t figured out the setting just yet, but I imagine David Letterman’s old set is in mothballs. So, grab his chair (he supposedly sat higher than the guests), desk (where Santa can set up his laptop for some fact-checking), and an easy chair for visitors.
There would need to be rules,of course, including: A, no sitting on Santa’s lap; B, no swearing, cursing or abusive language; C, any action deemed to be any (or all) of the seven deadly sins; D, no selfies (the photographer needs to make a buck, too), and E, no alcohol (at least until after the visit. State liquor laws apply).
I would assume addressing the needs of adults, especially sports fans in western Pennsylvania, would drive Santa batty. I can only imagine what his journal entries might be ….
– Monday, Nov. 27 … Lots of requests for Steelers jerseys after the big win at Cincinnati. In the interest of fair disclosure, I had NOTHING to do with the removal of Matt Canada.
– Wednesday, Nov. 29 … New set of grumblers today. Seemed to have an inordinate amount of skiers, skaters and snowboarders. They asked for new equipment, but said what’s the use if there’s no snow or cold weather. Hey, that’s on Mother Nature. Not me!
– Saturday, Dec. 3 … Happy-go-lucky crowd today. Lots of Black and Gold apparel. Steelers fans were in an unusually good mood with games against the hapless Cardinals and Patriots in the week to come.
– Friday, Dec. 8 .. Told the Mrs. I wanted to call off sick. She told me to be a man and go to work. She put me on this diet of tasteless food. I’ve lost so much weight my “bowl full of jelly” midsection is a prosthetic. And, now this. The Steelers make the record book again, for the wrong reason, with losses to two miserable teams. Plus, the Penguins dropped back-to-back games against the despised Flyers. I’m going to need a whisky and chocolate-chip cookies after that shift.
– Saturday-Sunday, Dec. 9-10 … Spent most of the day pointing out the sign listing non-acceptable behavior while in line or meeting with Santa. I was so frustrated and angry after listening to those whiners, I nearly broke a couple of the “things-not-to-do list” myself!
– Sunday, Dec. 17 .. Only one week until Christmas, thankfully! Angry adults are pelting me with black-and-gold apparel, like it’s my fault. Don’t blame me for writing Santa with your jersey request. And, for the umpteenth time, I can not fire anyone, especially named Mike.
– Friday, Dec. 23 … An upswing for Penguin jerseys and apparel requests. Thanks Sidney for taking off the heat. I had a couple odd requests for red noses. Something about sending them to the quarterback expected to be behind the center against the Bengals to wear under his facemask.
Santa was so looking forward to some down time. Not many people know, Santa winters in Florida like many other snowbirds.
– Last journal entry for a while … I really need the break and get away from these crazy fans. A couple, relaxing months in Bradenton, Fla., should get me away from all these disgruntled Pittsburgh sports fans.
On behalf of sports editor Rob Burchianti, I’d like to wish all of you Pittsburgh fans a safe, joyous holiday, (Mason) Rudolph leading the sleigh in the bleak winter storm of a dismal chance for the playoffs, a Pittsburgh Penguins turnaround, and hope springs eternal for the Pirates and Andrew McCutchen.
Merry Christmas!