The lies that we tell ourselves, and others
Recently, something both distressed and upset me. Someone I trusted completely outright lied to me.
That’s not the worst part. That someone was me.
You see, I had weighed myself that morning, knew what the scale read, and later convinced myself that I was slender enough to eat more than I should. In the big picture, that may sound vain, stupid, and meaningless, but the potential ramifications of that particular lie are many and varied.
Eight or so years ago, I allowed myself to balloon up to at least 30 pounds beyond my acceptable weight, the weight that allowed me to remain healthy and alive.
What happened to my body during that time? My ankles swelled, and I could not see my feet in the shower. I could hardly bend over enough to cut my toenails or pick up my travel bag under the airplane seat. I had to maneuver that bag with my feet. I also had lots of trouble getting out of low chairs. Then, my blood pressure pushed up to the outer limits, and my A1c put me dangerously close to the pre-diabetic category. Oh, yeah, worst of all, my cholesterol and triglycerides took me to the dinosaur level of flirting with extinction.
Previously, I have blamed things on my amygdala, that fight-or-flight, almond-sized section in our brains that harasses us all day long, but this was different. It was me lying to myself.
We all know people who believe they have control and that things can change, but I have learned that things typically do not change unless you become the engineer of that change.
One of my favorite quotes about lying attributable to no one is the truth may hurt for a while, but a lie hurts forever because lies are like scars on the soul that never fade away. I believe the most dangerous lies are the ones you tell yourself.
Before his death at the hand of an assassin, President James A. Garfield wrote, “The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.”
Honestly, a single lie makes you question all truths. Everything becomes a blurry mess. Sometimes we believe lies because we fear the consequences of knowing the truth.
I once knew a guy who would lie and give me a knowing smile, an admission that he was lying. Then, a day or two later, he would tell the same lie, but this time, it was with more conviction. By the third time he uttered that lie, he had convinced himself it was true. Consequently, I was never sure if he was lying. He lied because he was either afraid, wanted something, or because he could avoid other consequences by not being honest about certain situations.
As Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” The other thing I have learned is one of the hardest realities of life, trying to tell the truth in a world filled with lies.
Famous German philosopher Hannah Arendt wrote, “This constant lie is not intended to make the people believe a lie, but to make no one believe anything anymore. A people who can no longer distinguish between truth and falsehood, cannot distinguish between right and wrong. And such a people, which considers itself deprived of its power to think and to judge, is also, without knowing or wanting, completely subject to the law of lying. With such people, you can do whatever you want.”
I lost that weight.
Nick Jacobs is a Windber resident.