Coping with the loss of a loved one
Q. My gram died. This is the first death I’ve understood. My pap died when I was four, but I don’t really remember it. My gram meant a great deal to me. I would go to her house when I didn’t get along with my sisters. I’m the middle child and the only boy, so that happened a lot. She made me feel very loved. She seemed to understand me without me needing to tell her how I felt. I hated her funeral. It was macabre. Everyone was crying. I only felt anger. I didn’t want her to die. The words people spoke at the funeral were horrible. Over and over, I was told how good it was that I was “being brave, because your grandmother wouldn’t want you to be sad.” I wasn’t being brave. I couldn’t find tears. And if one more person told me gram was in a better place, I think I might have screamed. I certainly felt like screaming. Is my anger okay? Should I have cried like my sisters and mom? I didn’t. Does that make me strange? I loved my gram a lot and I’m sorry she’s gone. Thanks for listening. – 17-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Anger is a normal reaction to the loss of a loved one. Your emotions are valid and OK, no matter how you feel.
Not crying doesn’t make you strange at all. Your love for your gram is powerful and real. Tears are not necessary to show grief.
We all react to loss as individuals. As a male, you may be conditioned by society or your family to not show sorrow. Anger is often seen as an acceptable emotion for young men your age. It doesn’t surprise me to hear anger surfaced first. You also may be the type of person who holds in sadness and other difficult emotions.
Grief is personal. Each of us grieves in our own way and in our own time. Little things may cause grief to resurface, even after a long time. I was very close with my parents; buying items they loved in the grocery store was difficult for me for many months after their deaths. More than 15 years after my mama died, I was brought to my emotional knees by discovering an old recipe of hers. Memory swept over me, and tears nearly overwhelmed me.
One of the best ways to deal with feelings like anger, sorrow and loss is sharing them with someone who cares. I am honored you chose to share with me. It’s OK to share with your family as well. Your sisters and your mom loved your gram. It may ease their own grief to know how you feel. Pain shared is almost always pain lessened.
You’re correct about funerals. They are macabre! The phrases that bothered you are difficult for many to hear when grieving. I believe people speak in cliches because they’re not sure what to say. It’s often best to hold space with grieving friends – to offer the gift of your presence in silence, listening well.
I think your gram would understand your sorrow and anger. She knew you loved her; she would expect you to grieve. As to the “in a better place” comment, a friend told me her mental response when told “he’s in a better place” during her loved one’s funeral was to say, “Oh … Disney World?” She didn’t say the words aloud, but they helped her find humor during a challenging time.
Your gram remains with you, in your memories, in the lessons she taught you, and in you. You are her legacy. Live your life to make your gram proud. Share your grief if you like. If tears happen, accept them. I honor and respect and hold space with your loss.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.