Tackling tough topic of death with kids
Q. I overheard my mom and my uncle talking. I wasn’t supposed to be there. They said this may be the last Christmas we’ll have with my grandma. She must be really sick. Since I heard them, I can’t think of anything else. My grandma is the best person I know. No one else makes me feel so safe and loved. I cannot imagine our family without her. I’m angry. Why did she have to get sick? Why didn’t my mom and uncle tell me? I’m 14, I’m not a baby. I can deal with death. Plus I have two younger sisters, one 10 and one 12. If no one in my family told me, I’m pretty sure no one told them. I think they have a right to know. But I don’t know how to tell them. Should I? I don’t want to ruin Christmas for them. I don’t want them to think about losing our grandma all the time like I am now. What should I do? – 14-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: I’m so glad you shared this with me. Keeping deep feelings to yourself can make them more difficult.
Many people hesitate to talk about death, especially with children. Some think children are too young for the truth. I disagree. I even wrote a book for third-graders and up called “Nonnie Talks About Death.” A Nonnie is a grandma in my culture. In the book, I explain death in a way children can understand. The book is to be read with a trusted adult so children can ask questions.
You’re correct: You’re not a baby. I believe you are old enough to be told about your grandma’s health. I also believe your sisters should be part of a conversation about what’s happening.
I don’t know why your mom and uncle have not talked with you, but I wonder if it’s because Christmas is so soon. They may want to protect you; you even mentioned not wanting to ruin Christmas for your younger sisters. Losing someone near a holiday is tough.
I’m going to talk with you honestly, because I believe you’re mature enough to hear the truth. When someone is ill, it doesn’t mean they will die. Your mom and uncle said “this may be the last Christmas” with your grandma. Those words don’t mean she’s really sick. It may mean her health is failing and your mom and uncle are worried they may lose her in the coming year. As strange as it may sound to you, older people often talk about death with words younger people seldom use. My own papa told me to make sure I was home every Christmas because “you never know – this may be my last one with you.” He said that for over 10 years!
If your grandma’s health is poor, the fear that this is her last holiday with your family could be real, or it could only be the way people talk about older folks when they’re trying to hold onto good memories.
One way or the other, I believe you should talk with your mom or uncle. Be honest. Admit you overheard them. If your grandma’s health is declining, you should know.
I need you to think about something very important: Right now, you have your grandma. Right now, she’s here with you. Right now, you can enjoy time with her. Right now, you can tell her how much she means to you.
Once you know the truth, remember to treasure your grandma, no matter her health. We don’t know how many days anyone has, which is why it is so important to live each day well. Listen to your grandma. Ask her about her childhood and how she met your grandpa. Ask her what it was like to be your mom and uncle’s mother. Ask her how she felt when she held you for the first time. Share your feelings. It’s OK to tell her you are angry about her getting sick. It’s OK to share your sadness, too.
It’s not your responsibility alone to tell your sisters, especially since, right now, you’re not even sure what’s happening. When you talk with your mom, ask her to talk with them. They have the right to know if their time with your grandma is limited.
Grief is different for each of us, and losing a beloved grandma is very difficult. Surround yourself with people who love you and will hold space with you as you process your feelings. I’m proud of your courage in reaching out to me. I hope your grandma is OK and you have a lovely holiday with your family.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.